.serendipity.

The living

2011-08-17T00:38:00.003+01:00

Do u know anyone with life-threatening incurable disease? HIV+ or cancer-stricken patients probably. Do you ever put yourself to be standing in their shoes? To actually lead life while looking at every single day of weeks as another new but probably last day of life?

I once know a guy who was sick. i never met this person before, but we have became close, and started chatting with webcam on. When he mentioned that he was sick, i could guess that it was probably from the chain-smoking habit that he has- because i could see he was smoking one cigarette after another via the webcam. Until one day, he was coughing, and i could see the blood splattered on his hands. He quickly turn the webcam off and sign off from the chat.

I said nothing about it. And he thought i did not see anything. But eventually, i asked and he told me that he was sick and have been taking treatment to treat whatever he's having-- and the way he put it makes me think it was almost incurable.

From that moment, i see things differently. I told myself, i need to make this person's day more meaningful. If he has to look forward to things only on day-to-day basis, i want to provide those things. The story did not end there. But he eventually recovered from the illness that he had that i never asked, and we still keep in touch until now.

My point is, do we only start appreciate life when we know that life is short? When we realise that we have something to lose? Like time, and the actual fact of living?

Are we so sure that even though we don't have any of those life-threatening illnesses, we would still be breathing tomorrow? Start seeing life in a whole new perspective, and maybe, just maybe we will appreciate every single breath that we are able to take.

Let's.

Letting go

2011-08-16T22:53:00.002+01:00

at any point of life, we have to realise that nothing last forever. and letting go might be the hardest thing to do, but someday somehow it will happen eventually.
there was this one saying, it would sound something like this "Love someone moderately, someday it will be something that you hate, and vice versa"
if leaving is hard for those to be left, maybe i should just leave quietly. i do like to remembered, yes, but not the kind or memory, when u remember it, you miss it and become sad. if i have the choice,i dont want that to happen.miss me dearly, but not miserably.
i dont know what's going to happen in near future. i can plan this and that, but who knows where and what i will end up doing. i will try to be the same person that i have been and distance and time will never change what we have together.

How to be taken seriously

2011-08-16T20:46:00.003+01:00

In daily life,or work,in order for you to gain respect, you have to first be taken seriously. how?

be a fast learner. it's ok to not being able to do things correctly at first, but you have to be able to do the required task after a while. if you have been working past your 'induction period' but still struggle to do things, then it is not a good image.
speak your mind. if you have any opinion, speak up. but do it in a proper way, people will be able to receive comments, critics or even opposing opinions when it is not covered with anger or personal attack.
watch, listen and learn. you dont have to ask fellow colleague everytime you want to do something. back to first point, watch and learn quickly. be very alert about what's going on around you.
if possible, try separate work friends and personal/social circles. you might wear two different persona for different occasions. if you have to mix the same circle, limit the level of proximity between you and your fellow colleagues initially until you know them long enough.
work ethics. punctuality. etc etc.
dont always say yes. sometimes, you have to say no.

My 2cents.

Closure

2011-06-26T14:26:00.002+01:00

If there is anything that i've learn these past few years, it is the fact that to be successful in something, you need to have genuine interest in it. faking the interest won't bring any internal satisfaction.

if this were to happen 2 yrs ago, i would be freaked out and gone lunatic for few days. i guess things changed and i have grown to accept the bitter fact of life more gracefully.

Fear

2011-06-14T02:18:00.004+01:00

What scare me most is the possibility to stuck in one place with no progress or development of myself. As much as i love Kelantan, i can't see myself working there after i go back to Malaysia, or living with my parents. That's a fear.

This kind of fear inside me now is a bit depressing. I can't plan my future ahead because now my life seems to be on a hanging thread. a really thin one. I can only hope for the best, and do pray that everything will be alright.

On family

2011-05-22T16:59:00.002+01:00

family is a group of good friends that you are born into.

good friends are family members that you pick yourselves.

surround yourself with both, you will die happy.

parents always know what's going on with you. it's the feeling/instinct that they have. the connection. and sometimes, they know more than you expect them too.

I believe that your all-time-favourite movie would best describe you as a person. What is yours?

2011-05-08T22:24:00.001+01:00

I believe that your all-time-favourite movie would best describe you as a person. What is yours?

Answer here

Shades of gray

2011-04-14T23:31:00.004+01:00

i remember when i was little, Hindi movie was a hit every Saturday afternoon. The whole family will gather around in the living room, with the front door wide opened to allow as much wind to go into the house.

anyone who came late to watch the movie will have to ask someone, who's the hero and who's the villain.

once one can establish that, then one can almost understand the whole story even though the first half was missed.

it's so easy in the movie. bad and good. black and white.

i wish it's still as easy when i grow up. there's no more definite good or bad person, or sides. there's no definite black or white. they are all shades of gray...

Notion

2011-04-11T20:36:00.003+01:00

i have this preset notion that people who are blessed with look or wealth can get away with almost anything. other people will have higher resistance to their misdemeanors only for that reason.

that notion has been lingering around for so long that it become an aim to look better, or become rich: so that i can get away with things. able to make more mistake than an average Joe can.

Worst

2011-03-28T13:41:00.003+01:00

When things go so wrong,

at some point, you receive the worst,

all you do is just smile,

because it wont get any worse,

or lose anything else.

*smile*

you can expect people to listen to you,

but they say, expectation leads to disappointment.

so expect none,

someday you'll realise,

you might have people around you,

but at the end,

you can only rely on yourself,

and pray to God

hoping everything will be fine

and dandy

again...

Lonesome

2011-03-13T10:20:00.002Z

there was a river, just nearby my house.

within a bicycle ride distance.

near the graveyard.

when i was feeling a little bit sad, or lonely.

i go there,

just sit, and think,

enjoying the isolation.

i don;t know what make it worked,

the fact that i was alone,

or the fact that i wasn't actually alone,

cause they say that area is haunted.

i never go there alone ever since.

i hope the water is still clean.

Story-telling

2011-02-25T11:47:00.003Z

outburst of emotion is easier to be portrayed through anger than other emotions like sadness. is is because outburst is normally shows the 'high' of the well up feeling rather the 'low'. showing anger is considered overpowering, dominant feeling compared to sadness- which normally means retreat, weakness.
telling story (in a play) can be by words, telling how things are already happening to the audience. characters actually tells the details to the audience, things that is normal to the characters, but something shocking to the audience. or the shocking event happens to the character itself, something unpredictable. whichever works best, i've yet to discover.

Ramble

2011-02-18T16:02:00.003Z

most of the time, waiting simply means not doing anything. don't be surprised if i'm not impressed at all if you told me that you have been waiting for something good to happen. you were doing nothing at all.
some people need to know that there's a limit to positive thinking and being optimistic. there must be a reason why risk assessment exist int he first place. as much as you are hoping for something to turn out well, plan B need to be handy if something turns out to be wrong.
how cheap have we become that we need to be 'bribed' with rewards to turn out at certain events with food. as non-significant it may sound, we put a price on ourselves, by only going to certain occasion if they have good food. how pathetic. i tried to reluctantly not to be involve in this circle but being a minority there's nothing much i could do. *sigh*

Too little too much

2011-02-08T12:30:00.006Z

too much of anything is harmful. remember that.

drugs are made on that basis too. it has to be given on the correct dose. not too much not too little. the dose need to be in the 'therapeutic window', then it will work for intended purpose. sometimes the side effect of one drug can be developed into a new drug to treat something else. i cant recall the exact example, but please take my word for it.so it is true that one's poison is someone else's medicine.

the same applied to human. people's presence and behaviour and attitude. correct amount, it would be fine. too much of something, you get sick. jadi bersederhanalah. i guess you could feel when it is too much ( either at receiver end or the giver end). hold back a bit, or take a deep breath and swallow the dose slowly. don't gulp in one go for your own sake.

Play & pause

2011-01-14T16:37:00.003Z

i see life can be divided into 2 parts.

the normal life we do. we meet people. we talk things. we are happy. we are angry. we are sad. but we dont really tell people "i'm sad", or "i'm happy". we just go with it. we might show the emotion through our own body language and gestures. but we dont talk about it.play phase.

the life where we need to have to tell someone " can we talk about this?". that's the pause phase. it's like, u are playing the game, then you press 'menu' button. and change the setting. like changing the player for PES. or changing car type in some racing games. the point is you change things, the configuration how the 'play' phase go on after this. the play phase won't be the same after you change the setting in the 'pause phase'. this is when you talk about your emotion, tell people how you feel, words by words.

deduction.

so yes, when we talk about emotion, we change things. we change how the relationship with certain people go. we change how we feel about things. for good or for worse, that's the risk to take.

Punishment education

2011-01-06T22:02:00.001Z

Are we so ingrained with the concept of educating by using punishment/threat to instill the fear?

So what happen to the learn-from-own-mistake and dare-to-fail method?

I think I am so used to the concept, that when I do something which I should not do, I punish myself by avoiding certain luxuries for a while. Or I just see it that way.

*huge sigh*
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

2011

2010-12-31T03:47:00.002Z

2010 is fast leaving us. What have really happened through out the year, I could not keep track. John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'. So yeah, it was a life, that I hardly plan.

2011. Another year older. Look at how far we've come. Pretty damn far indeed. New year resolution? Just a better person. Fit the role as a good human kind,brother, son, friend, lover, student, explorer, and the list goes on. Everything could happen, so keep an open mind. May the coming year brings the best gifts life could give.

Happy New Year 2011.

*fireworks*

Love vs infatuation

2010-12-22T00:27:00.008Z

The sudden urge of intense feeling or wanting someone, feeling the need to be with someone, doing things together, that is infatuation. Infatuation makes people go into the best behaviour, careful with words and action. The feeling to own someone, just after a while we know her/him. That is infatuation.

Love lingers somewhere deeper in our emotion. Not on the surface as infatuation does. When 2 people are in love, no pretention, no hiding imperfections. You find there is no need to acting up. You just be yourself. And the other person would not mind about it. For the love that stays worth more than trivial thing.

Infatuation may grow into something deeper, which is love. Infatuation doesnt last long, but the feeling is intense. Love is not intense, but the 'shelf-life' is long, decades.

If you have the feeling to jump straight into relationship just after a while knowing someone, keep it slow. Let is develop into something more than just the need to please, need to acting up, need to own that person. One day when the feeling turns into needing to be with someone, just to be with that particular person- that is love. And that my friend, is the right time to embark on a long long journey .

writer's note : may this feeling turns into love, and last long long time.

p/s: when somebody calls you hot, or sexy, thats infatuation/crush/or worse just lust. when somebody call you pretty, or gorgeous, or handsome, it might be more than just crush or lust. they planned to have something more serious. so i've been told at least.

Equilibrium

2010-12-15T02:54:00.002Z

i deactivated my facebook account for a while because i thought there were too many distractions around, so i needed some peaceful study time.
i reactivated it, because it was too quiet, up to a point i depended on a human communication to occur-through email and i was not doing anything apart from waiting for email to come through-not even study because i could not concentrate.
talk about balance and equilibrium, shall we?

Thoughts

2010-12-15T01:32:00.003Z

i knew this awkwardness would occur at some point after what had happened. if i'm already the bad guy in your eyes, i wont be struggling to prove it wrong. i'll just let you believe that i am. i have nothing to lose.
on that matter, i can be an awfully brilliant bitch. i can ignore people very easily if i want to. but this is not intentional. it is just, i dont think it is worth to fix things up when you already jump to conclusion and judge me.

*****

things that start off really fast, and well would be hard to be maintained, isn't it? or is it just me who is being pessimist here?
let things out, expose your heart, and just be ready to be stabbed to death. :S

Social circle

2010-12-08T23:51:00.002Z

how many people can fit into one social circle? where in a circle, everyone know everyone else.
how many circles can one person be in at one particular time? circles which one can maintain and keep in touch with everyone once in a while.
making friends is not an easy task. keeping them is even harder #justsaying

You, me and the world

2010-12-08T06:38:00.003Z

you have been rejected so many times that at one point you doubt anyone would have any genuine interest in you. has that ever happen to you?
some body just subtly suggest that i look fat. the way he put it was "have u been to the gym lately? u look bigger. ur face looks chubby". not so subtle eh?
how much do you think you worth to the world? what if one day you just disappear. will anyone even notice that you are missing? will you be missed? and how much thought you put on thinking on that? how important it is to calculate how important you are to people, rather than just keep giving and giving to people around you? be generous. don't think too much.

New stuff

2010-12-02T12:32:00.003Z

i do open all the shopping bags, as soon i reach home. and try each item that i bought- even if i've tried it earlier in the shops
i do listen to every single song that i just downloaded. maybe not for full length, but just for like 1 minute for each song to check if i like it or not.
i do watch movies, series, shows as soon as it's downloaded. even though it's rather late it night and i have early lectures next morning.
and if i have some new naughty movies, i watch it immediately to see how good it is on turning one on. #justsaying. heh

Journey

2010-11-23T02:32:00.003Z

you and everyone else are different. we walk our own life's path. we might walk across each other in the junctions, we might share part of the journey with those special people, but we do not walk along the same person till the end of the journey. the destination. worry not about how different your path is, how windy your road will be. just imagine, one fine day you will say this to yourself " i've been there, the long windy bumpy road. but here i am, safe and sound now"
you have the full power to turn everything into anything you want to. have more self-belief, self-respect and just tread the way through. no matter how hard it is, you'll grow stronger. just keep going.

There i said it

2010-11-02T00:20:00.002Z

i am appalled with some people who think just because they spend 4-5 years studying some difficult subject somewhere far far away, they can justify their action as " aku belajar jauh-jauh, aku tahulah, jangan nak tunjuk pandai. kau tu diploma je". Yes i know you are smart, but we also know you are a jerk by saying those. How much humility cost you? Luak ke degree tu?
Government sponsored student mostly aware that the money that support us comes from the taxpayers money. But that does not mean random working-class taxpayer over there can make a claim, 'oh belajar lah elok-elok. Pakai duit aku jugak tu" how much money you spend on tax? What percentage? If you only paying less 20% of your salary towards your tax, dont brag about sponsoring us to here. And yes, stop rubbing it on our face. Even you pay the tax doesnt mean you have the right to judge how we spend the money. Just remember when we go back, we'll pay the tax as well, and it might be your children we will be supporting (if they are smarter than you that is). It's a just a cycle you have to shut your hole if you plan to complain something about it.

Walk walk fashion baby

2010-10-30T16:31:00.002+01:00

it is so annoying when somebody walk so slowly on in front of acad building when everybody else is rushing. find a park if you want to just stroll. i don't have time to follow ur fat asses.

so are the people who hanging out at the stairs on the entrance catching up with friends while leaving the building. walk faster and go to starbucks if you want to do more talking.

while behind all these people, i feel like saying this outloud: walk walk fashion baby!

To whom it may concern...

2010-10-27T02:01:00.006+01:00

there is only so much things that people can bear to know about you. its only so much thing you should open to public. until at one point, people just scurry from you.
do not smother them with all nitty gritty details. they are not that interested. they say sorry because they want you to know that they noticed how much you have been moaning- and you should move on.
tough love. some people do not normally say love words, sentences, phrases to express their feelings. people around these type of people should know that when they scold you, it's because they really care.
how much sympathy can a friend give to another friend? sympathy, empathy. stays for a while, then life still need to go on. pick yourself up and stand tall. it's the whole world out there waiting to be explored.
would you want people around you to feel sorry for you when they see you?if i were you i wouldn't. please have less self-pity and more self-respect.

Lovely Monday

2010-10-25T22:32:00.003+01:00

i spent most of today's time fantasizing, being half awake, and sleep. good time!
seeing people's picture with Macbook made me think it's cooooler than iMac that i already have ): i think it's because of the cold weather i wish i can take my computer to bed, surfing internet under the duvet...
had mock exam today, i hope i didn't screw it up
oh oh oh, next allowance should be in tomorrow- i already spent some time window-shopping on asos.com XD

woops

2010-10-22T00:24:00.003+01:00

so. nothing interesting happened. weather has been so dreadful. i dont mind chilly temperature, but rain is no no. this morning i was ready to go out to lectures, i opened the door and it was raining. 'oh, hujan lah sayang.' i closed the door, and walk back to my bedroom. yes, i do talk to myself, and call myself sayang. heh

been soooo lazy lately. been so depressed last week but not getting better. i've been having allergic reaction that i dont know what the source is. i've been trying to remove the possible allergens: cleaning up the bedroom, wash the bedsheet. even clean the mould that has been spreading under the window. i try to scrub it, but the wallpaper on that part just dropped and i removed the wallpaper around the whole area. woops!

please

2010-10-15T02:21:00.002+01:00

for i have little patience, so dont test it.

for i have a fragile little heart, don’t go breaking it.

for i have only u, so please don’t let me go.

Ironic

2010-10-07T16:26:00.003+01:00

i don't like explaining myself to other people. i expect to be understood.however.

those people who knows me for quite some time would know. so far, not many do. maybe a few.

it's disappointing when someone who has been around for a while do not.

here i am, someone who hates explaining himself, explaining himself. ironic.

Dream

2010-10-03T11:02:00.002+01:00

you seem to live in my dream. you appear in my dream almost every night and it feels like it's real. it's terrifying to wake up to the world without you.

i miss you.

Sigh

2010-09-27T12:40:00.004+01:00

i wont believe something until i see it. i have too see something till i perfectly relieved that everything is fine-for now.

it feels awkward to be happy for myself, when my own friend is sad. being too happy would be like rubbing it into her face. so i rather keep quiet and talk about something else.

i need few days to settle down. this is too overwhelming. i need buffer days before things get to normal. and i can relax and lead my life as usual.

i would not live in this kind of fear again. it's mentally and emotionally tiring it gets me so exhausted.sigh.

U know what?

2010-09-27T08:23:00.003+01:00

somebody needs a lesson on:

what the meaning of dry bathroom. the floor should not be wet, or minimally wet
draw the shower curtain while taking shower
wipe your body before u walk out from the shower

Haish

2010-09-27T06:12:00.002+01:00

I'm sorry if i cant remember your names, its not your fault. i just remember faces more easily. names are hard to imagine visually, and i am a very very visual person. dont take it personally.

i was talking to a good friend of mine about something totally random when we were involved into a very serious discussion. something about gender, sexuality and racism. maybe i should do a master in psychology/psychology in few years time. maybe, just maybe.

why put labels on things? the next time someone gonna ask me whether i am straight or gay, my answer would be ' sexually liberated'. fancy word eh?haish

Disturbia

2010-09-21T13:58:00.000+01:00

i love warm humid weather. windy too. it makes skin moisturised and soft and supple and smooth etc etc.

but, why it is warmer at night. and i dont like sweating in sleep. i dont like sleeping topless either. but i have too, because its so fucking warm and i dont like sweating in sleep.

but at least i wake up next morning with soft skin. eh?

Just saying

2010-09-21T12:23:00.001+01:00

it feels too short being in Malaysia. x sempat nak makan macam-macam dah nak balik uni. nasi kerabu bedal sampai 5-6 kali dalam masa 2 minggu. pueh hati den.

i dislike organisation. if you see my workspace, its normally messy when i'm doing some works. i only take pictures when its tidy, which mean when am not working. kamoo jgn tertipu dengan gambar2 di Facebook. i rather have scattered-organisation. or something like that. i know where things are when they are all over places. i remember things better that way.

my mum got remarried.again. some smirk, but i just smile. whatever makes her happy, and she's not getting younger. it's hard getting older alone isn't it?

my niece is a little diva. she loves cosmetics, and wear make-up at home. even though she only wears underpants at home. must be pink.she's 4.

btw, i think i am in love with 'Faqir' in PisauCukur. or Redza Minhat in real life. see, i am quite delusional sometime.

just saying.

Darling, you give yourself too much credit

2010-09-03T00:06:00.002+01:00

you are skinny. you have been trying to gain weight by eating a lot. drink protein sometimes. but you dont go to gym, or work out. when advised to do that, you say, " oh i dont want to be muscular, muscle marry type. it just doesn't suit me". you think gaining muscle is easy? you think u go to gym for 1 month u will be all muscular? dream on. and with your kinda frame, no matter how much you eat, what you eat will just turn to s**t, not muscle. oh by the way, 'flesh' that you want to have is combination of muscle and fat. and to gain muscle, you have to gain it, and it's possible through workout.
you are straight. very straight. being around gay make you feel insecure. you are scared of the idea of walking through gay village. you said u scared being 'harassed' by gay people. do you know that gays dont even look twice at you. wait, let me rephrase that. they wont even look at you. gays are mostly more attractive than you anyway. and if any gay will be interested in you, they would approach you anywhere. not just in village. if you never get approached, you have nothing to be scared of in gay village. you are unnoticed. please take note.

Oh oh

2010-09-02T18:57:00.003+01:00

oh i'm going home tmrw. can't wait.

btw havent finished packing yet. i've done like 15% of packing, but it shall continues tonight and tomorrow.

see you in Boleh-Land soon!

Compliments

2010-09-02T14:42:00.003+01:00

there are many ways people give compliments, but somehow, sometime you can read whether one is being honst about it, or they are just one selfish bitch. here are some examples:

oh, i love your dress! love the details and girl, u have a great taste. i have the same one too! ( she wants so say that she has a great taste.period)
your cooking is awesome. you seems to have gotten the recipe that i've given you correctly. well done! (she wants to say, she is a good cook, and she has the best recipe. hence the compliment goes back to her )

Things that matter

2010-08-22T11:37:00.003+01:00

remember when we were small, say in primary school in standard 1-3, we were obsessed with rubber erasers with flags, who has the latest kind of pencil boxes. who has the latest shoes which was just advertised on television.that was our obsession

as we grow up a bit, we compared who has the most cool-looking bicycle. we put stickers, spray it shiny, change the wheel-rim to something non-generic. and we rather spend hours taking care of it, keep it clean, wash it and wipe it so that is stays cool.

More...
in secondary school, our obsession changed. this time it is more to motorbike. who has the coolest bike. the loudest exhaust of all so that when we go to school on it, people would notice. those living in hostels, become obsessed with gadget like walkman , who has the latest digital tuner on it. that last for a couple of year. when the era of mobile phone came, we compared who has the latest phone, and used the most interesting ringtones. we keep changing it to something cool, and up-to-date.

we grew up again. college and uni time. those living away from uni, some still stuck with motorbike, some already have a Kancil or Kelisa. and its time to become obsessed with either one of them. modifying them, adding skirting etc etc makes we feel happy. in terms of gadget,we became more into more complicated and expensive ones. digital camera, SLR, laptops, iphone, ipod.

being there at the moment, i reckon this obsession will last for few years. then we start working, we dont really pay attention to those stuff. we still have it, but its not the main priority. cars, career, house, (marriage?) become the top of the list. we wouldnt have time to delve into small stuff we used to do. like setting the coolest ringtones on phone, or whats the coolest tees design. we become more understated in terms of choosing things like clothing items.

they are all parts of growing up...

it ends with a smile

2010-08-20T21:19:00.005+01:00

so my summer placement with Boots ended today. what a 8 weeks period it was. interesting things happen

i was once called 'Doc' by a patient, just by a slip of tongue. he the realised he did it and corrected it.
we have this one customer who keep coming, and want to have a chat with us about her late wife, and he could spend forever talking about it. the other staff know this too well, and when he came one day to talk to one relief pharmacist- we saved her by faking a phone call saying that somebody needed to talk to her urgently.
the same customer once came by, and requested to see 'the young one', which i assume one of our dispenser who is out for lunch. the other staff came out and ask him id he is looking for A (the youngest one), then he said, 'no, i was looking for you'. confused, i said ' but he said he was looking for the young ... ' and i stopped there, i might have said something wrong . XD
i was entitled to have few days of paid leave, so i wanted to have two days in a row. excited about it, i asked the manager ' can i have 2 weeks off next week?'. 'what, 2 weeks off, no u cant'. he then laughed. 'oh sorry, 2 days i mean'.
i always got nervous answering the phone and dealing with customers on phone during my first few weeks. the manager insisted that i should answer the phone saying that i am scared of the phone. handling a few calls, i was sweating and gasping for air because i was so nervous and dont know what to do-plus i dont want the customer to wait too long at the other end.

and there it is, ended joy. it has been a great pleasure to work with all of them. a very good team indeed. if i could get a place next year, i would asked to go back there again. fingers crossed.

Malaysia oh tanah airku

2010-08-17T15:18:00.003+01:00

i've been looking at the pics of Malaysian food for these few days, and oh Tuhanku, all food looks so tempting. i am so going to eat everything i can when i go back.

.nasi lemak sambal paru. nasi lemak kerang. sambal bilis petai. gulai ikan kering nenas. gulai itik serati. nasi kerabu daging bakar. ikan goreng celup tepung. sotong goreng. ikan kering goreng. sambal belacan. ulam-ulaman. budu. sup ekor. ikan keli goreng kunyit. kerabu perut. sup perut. and the list goes on and on and on...

*drools*

step up is not that stepped up

2010-08-15T23:17:00.003+01:00

let's pretend as if my opinion worth something, and taking that into account, why it is hard to find good dance movie with good plot?

step up 3D was like a movie with lots of dance thrown into it, but no plot involve. there is, but not neatly outlined. the plot was very loose, and the story was too predictable, and very jumpy.

many lines were so cheesy, it just cliche most of the time. dance, good, nothing phenomenal i'd say. despite having Adam Shankman to promote the movie on regular basis on SYTYCD, the movie was quite disappointing.

sometime less is more, the director should try to apply that in making this movie. too many things to be put inside the movie it was too crammed.

i'd say, Street Dance 3D (UK take on dance movie ) was sooo much better.

Of knowing

2010-08-15T12:06:00.001+01:00

u make people know you or understand you, not by explaining who you are to them, but by letting them know who you are through observation and experience.

hoorah!

2010-08-14T12:35:00.003+01:00

oh oh.

final week of summer placement next week. am so excited it comes to an end. no more hectic life. but who nows i'll get bored later.
tutor review is done. i get good reviews and recommendation! what a surprise, my tutor is so cool and generous. he even suggested for i would come to work in same pharmacy next year.
i dont have to do 24 CPDs for submission. he requested for 2 CPDs and i will only do 2, or 3 if i can be bothered.
long weekend, off till Tuesday. then 3 days at work, and bam! summer break, officially. finally.
then bam! 2 exams paper.
bam! malaysia here i come. then Eid and family dramas and friends reunion and some more fun and teasing and flirting with some Malaysians.
then bam back at uni. hoorah!

one day, one moment, one time

2010-08-13T20:03:00.002+01:00

i wish that day never existed,

i wish we never talked,

i wish we never met,

i wish we never kissed,

i wish we never cuddled,

i wish we never hugged.

i wish i never like you,

i wish i never laugh at your joke,

i wish i never smile at your smirk,

i wish i never want to hug you.

i wish that day never come,

i wish that moment never been here,

i wish i never wish all this thing,

because i know i want you, still

randomness

2010-08-07T17:33:00.003+01:00

by convention our mind is set up in a way that we would want and desire anything that we dont have, or can never have. wanting for something that you already have is rather abnormal.

i, can never look good with a shaved head. and seeing someone with shaved head fascinates me, more to a turn-on :P

ok thats very random indeed.

so, i've been working in pharmacy for quiet a while. and from what i see, it is not the most glamorous or most exciting job int he world. it is rather static job, with relatively similar routine every day. maybe the level or boredom that one has to bear is compensated by a good pay.

the responsibility is huge, hence why one is a healthcare professional. standing all day checking medicines, 9-6. how fun can that be? time left for the rest? not much apparently.

so now i'm looking for a job, not only require mental capabilities but also physical. the pay need to be rewarding, and i can keep healthy and eat well while doing it. suggestion?

i'm thinking about personal trainer, or dietitian or a chef. anything else?

Urgh

2010-07-15T18:58:00.000+01:00

1. living in suburbia is no fun, if you dont have your own transport. say u need buses to travel everywhere. it will be so inconvenient and such a pain-in-the-ass when the bus is not punctual, or the driver turn up to be so stupid who will drive like a sluggish snail.urgh!

2. now i understand why so many people prefer to drive to work. its more convenient. if you happen to be late, u can drive faster, set your own pace. and u dont waste ur time waiting for the buses to turn up, or depend on them to turn up at work on time. carbon footprint? ah, get a hybrid car instead.

mood: dislike public transport, sluggish bus drivers, and being blamed for late for work

Life

2010-07-05T19:14:00.003+01:00

Life has been everywhere lately. after i moved out from our lovely flat, staying over at friend's did not feel very comfortable. not because of the place, but because i could not feel at home. having a place to settle down. and having every belonging just where it is. it feels like sometime is unfinished.

with work starting last week, getting used to the changes was so hard. i was struggling. plus the cashflow problem after quit working in the restaurant that i worked before. and after i realised i will only get paid a month after i work in Boots.

getting into the new place last weekend, things feel much better. at least i have a place which i can call home. though not finished unpacking and arranging ant decorating, i have everything that i need just within reach. i know where things are. easier i guess.

work has been ok since last week, and today despite being late for work, my tutor has been very lenient by not penalising me which usually will end up with probation period, or even being fired. my tutor rawks!

Fingers crossed, am looking for this summer to go well. Cant wait till end of month when all the money will just pouring into my account. i wish!

Body

2010-05-26T11:25:00.002+01:00

So Social Pharmacy is over. one day of revision? yeah. helpful much?u bet. at least i did something.

Something rather interesting is, 93% of communication is consist of non-verbal one. body language, intonation, and things which are not words. Just signs and signal. and to be honest i am quite surprised. I personally am not a good reader or communicator of those signs.

It comes to no surprise if i dont know if someone is giving me signal in clubs, let alone me giving them signal. I was once misunderstood as giving the greenlight signal that i almost end up with a psychotic. well, it was history.

anyway, yeah, so i guess i need to learn to read body language so that i can read everything other peoples body is hinting. even better if the body is hot, i can read all day. =P

battle

2010-05-19T13:47:00.002+01:00

life is a constant battle of making options, not between black and white, but one among all shades of grays...

2010-05-14T16:34:00.001+01:00

is it really cold or is it just me getting cold feet?

Great spirits, mediocre minds

2010-05-12T11:21:00.003+01:00

there are so many ways for one to make oneself feels good. sometime it is just the mental state and perception towards others. most of the time, those ways are kept to oneself.

secretly, some people do that by keeping in their mind that they are the best. no one else is better that them. but here's the thing. those ranting and mantra are for themselves. for them to keep, and being recited over and over again. once it goes public, it becomes something else. it sounds cocky, and a bit too full of themselves.

i was once taught by my sister on how to overcome my stage fright before this one story telling competition in my primary school. she told me, act as if my fellow audience are not human. like a bunch of goats, in which i was not supposed to care and scared of. it worked somehow. sounds very belittling and demeaning, but if it works, go ahead. it is for you to keep it to yourself.

the mantra like 'the great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds' should not be put on a status, or anywhere where people can read. that is very demeaning. paste it on your bed headboard, or on your study table. you dont have to tell the world that you are seeing others as mediocre.

go die.

Men

2010-05-10T11:44:00.002+01:00

you want to see macho men become a small children again? wait till they talk about football. or watch one.

some will even shed tears when their supported team lose. see this after big match.
they starts calling the opponent team with bad names. so these names exist: Chelsh*t, Ar*e-nal, Liverfo*l so on so forth. remember when we were small, we taunted our 'friend' in the same way, modifying their name so that it sounds humiliating.
let them watch the match on tv, they will stuck there, like a boy just having their new video games, or any game for that matter.

i guess, there is always some unadulterated part of us, the child-ish characteristic which is so pure and innocent. we just have to find it. For men, you know when to find it =P

Abstinence

2010-05-06T00:37:00.005+01:00

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder and so the greatest sybarite and the jolliest bon viveur will know the virtue of abstinence in adding to the renewed pleasure of what he has denied himself. After a prolonged period, the rediscovered joy of indulgence will be immensely enhanced, may even be overwhelming. To abstain, therefore, from a loved pleasure is mere commonsense as custom stales the appetite.

Keep things in balance

2010-05-05T23:52:00.002+01:00

i've not had so many work experience. those that i have has not really taught me to deal with pressure, or enjoying the work.

i am, by nature cannot really say not to someone request. and knowing that, people around me sometime think it is ok to ask for my help, because i rarely say NO. indeed, i am dreading to say no. i've helped people too much, cover for someone else's job. yes, i dont lose anything, except for 1 thing. TIME. my time is indeed limited. uni stuff, exam, social life. those are still major things.

some said, dont show your boss or colleague that you can do so many thing. do not present yourse;f as someone very capable. soon, the work burden will be coming to you. for what price? nothing more than other people. i wudnt complain if u get a promotion, or a raise. but this? favour for someone? i dont really do favour. so stop asking. you should know that i am not keen on saying yes when i say yes not with a smile on my face. dont push me too hard, i might break.

Who knows...

2010-04-17T12:18:00.002+01:00

who knows, so many things can happen with some faith and helps from very supportive friends?

i was supposed to write a part of MNite and directed it. i agreed to do it just before i was busy with my part time job (it turned almost full time during Easter), and my supposedly main actor was so busy with so many things, i keep that on hol until the final week. i thought i still have one week to work and practice intensively.

then i thought, MNite was actually on Saturday, then realised it is on Friday 4 days before.i was like OMG. so i wrote the sript back, put the dialogues until 3 o clock in the morning,after finish work at 11. the original plan to put some live singing was ditched since i know we wudnt have enough time to get someone to play the keyboard,guitar and record it bla bla bla. so just mime. no songs founded yet, until 3 days before.we had our first practice when everyone having their semi-full dress rehearsal. And the actors actually got picked just before the practice.

The songs chosen the night before, and i just go with whats on my mind, put my own joke and twist to somewhat i was afraid wud be a lame joke.We had a full dress rehearsal the day before the show, tho not really a practice on the acting part, but more to the technical part(lighting, audio).

We didnt have the practice yesterday, on the real day, just make sure everyone remembers their lines, and not forgetting the important line that will retain the gist of the story. and yeah they did.

The scene itself took merely 20 minutes ,5 songs, and lots of laughter from the audience. Proudest moment indeed. Well,we make people laugh. and thats all that matters. Who knows 3 days of practice turns out to be a magic on stage.

A bunch of thanks to the actors(Jay, Dann, Maryam, Peah), props and moving props team (Deena, Kai,Naj, Faruq), live band (Sani, Adam, Dann), extras (Farah, Arai). it was a magic. and to Deena specifically, thanks for the random ideas about the props, and for having faith that we cud pull this off few days ago. *heart* all of you!

It's spring/summer time. so...

2010-04-10T14:43:00.002+01:00

it's time to

store the thick duvet away in the store room. no more insulation needed. just go au naturel. mybe a thin blanket would do
pack the thick jackets and opt for thin cardigan or jumper. or just tshirts and shirts
unpack the vibrant-coloured clothes. and shorts!
shave your legs. shorts wont look good on hairy legs. at least trim a bit.
go to gym to tone up the body. when is other best time to show off?
buy sunglasses. it works as a protective measure from the sunrays as well as the perfect hiding measure when you want to perv on hotties in the park. 2-in-1
go out and have fun.picnic etc etc.

after all, its spring. but that also means exam is coming closer. so-anti climax, i knoooow. but its the truth, life's a bitch. XD

Flattery gets you everywhere, or nowhere?

2010-04-09T13:12:00.002+01:00

i am , by far the weakest when it comes to reacting to flattery. i cant handle it well. nor i can react to it. there was one time i got one from this hot-ish guy in the club, i didnt know what to say. well, some said i can return the favour, but i cant make up some words to do it. he was not that handsome (i only focus on face when i'm talking to someone), so i cant say, oh you are hot. hm i can actually, but why it didnt come up to me that night.

so what i did was, i just say thank you, gave him a hug and say nice meeting you. pfft. awkward! later i only realised that this fella is quite hot, has a nice body (and bum lol). so what a miss!we might end up dancing or snogging *sigh*

lesson learnt, flatter someone with you are hot! since hot is subjective. or sexy. those 2 might work. will do next time. haha.

blonde much?!

Lets talk

2010-04-02T13:55:00.003+01:00

work is taking so much part f my life right now. it gets on my nerves sometime considering that i dont really have time to do other things. but, i enjoy it anyhow, workmates are very friendly (tho most of the time they speak Chinese i cant understand a word). got the first pay yesterday, i dont know for how many hour it was since i never asked how much is the rate. how strange! will ask the manager later today.
i am having writers block. i am supposed to write a scrip for 1 12-15 minutes sketch, a tribute supposedly. i have some songs i want to put, i was thinking to make a musical, but musical has some type of song you could sing a long, not just any song. so, being someone green in this stage performance stuff, i need help. and more time too. too bad i dont really have either of them.
one funny incident happened few weeks back. someone accidentally sent me a text msg on my phone complaining about me and and someone. i was being blunt thought it was supposed to be sent to me. but i realized it after the person who sent it standing right in from of me looking a bit OMG. so yeah. we did talk later, i guess problem solved.
i just realised i have to sit down and eat, not eating my dinner while doing something else, like working. i sense that i am not gaining any weight even tho i eat while working, and that maybe simply because i eat and work at the same time. maybe i cant focus on food, that makes me feel full faster. i am losing weight-which i hate. i need to get back to gym, and get to the healthy range of body weight. btw, Isaiah Grass is hot. check him out.

Exotic beauty

2010-03-22T17:31:00.002Z

i once heard the term exotic asian been used to describe how westerners admire asian for the exotic-ness. After a while of browsing and make short analysis what kind of face they call exotic, usually they fall into those with some native-look. the kind of face that asian themselves (i am talking as a non-asian non-westerner here) think it is not attractive. That sometime explains why asian women (or men) can be together with some good looking Westerners man (or women).1 hypothesis, Asian sometime has some admiration towards western people, and they perceive beauty towards the western features. Long nose, fair skin etc etc. and they underestimate their own beauty.

2nd hypothesis, Westerners just see Asians diferently. they seem to be more unique, and different than the kind of face they usually see on street, hence they find asians are attractive. I dont know which one is correct, tho i believe there is some general formula or acceptance when someone or something is beautiful, it is still look good no matter who see it. i am, on the other hand, not that exotic.lol

p/s: i dont check spelling and grammar. excuse the errors.

Weekend rambling

2010-03-13T09:54:00.003Z

after a while, i thought that sharing too much of your personal life with someone just not the best thing. talking about it too much is lethal to my own secrecy and personal emotional stability. and i think, i better be back inside my little bubble for a while.

it's good thing people have something or somewhere to channel some anger. be it twitter or a blog, at least an outlet is there for the purpose. it turns sour when you are not feeling angry, and yet the place is still there, you will be making up things to create some anger. why there should be an outlet in the first place, what's so bad about your life than can make you angry with anyway?

live in the present. handle things in the present moment. yes, plan for the future, but future is for your 'future you' to handle (HIMYM reference). if you happen to not like something, deal with it at that time, and no hard feeling afterwards. then you can easily leave the past not feeling something is still stuck and hanging around.

so yeah, random weekend rambling. so long....

Peace of mind

2010-03-01T20:10:00.000Z

Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. -Buddha

Reborn

2010-02-28T10:05:00.002Z

these few days feel like the new phase altogether. like a phoenix arise from the ashes. or something like that. that sort of mentality and feeling.

anyhow, out first try to cook Nasi Kerabu Tumis Kelantan deemed successful since they finish after 2 hours on sale. i do myself proud, even i was surprised when i tried my own nasi kerabu to taste it exactly like what i always eat in my house (thanks to my sister's cook).

Exam result's out. i've reminded myself, whatever happened, i've done so much so far with the time i had during Xmas. so i was not that disappointed to see the result, tho t is a bit annoying knowing that i have to stay back for summer, and can only spend limited time in Malaysia. dammit.

todays my niece's 4th birthday. Happy Birthday Damia!

Older

2010-02-18T16:17:00.004Z

all tendencies for me to have a bunch of older more matured friends all this while has a reason.i have always been close to men and women at certain age older than mine. and what was i thinking when i decided to 'try' someone younger? was i sane at that moment of time? perhaps.perhaps not.

older people learnt so much in their life, they cant be bothered by small things. they are emotionally stable, rarely have personal conflict ( tho some carry a big emotional baggage due to mid-life crisis- that if the person is way too older than me), and willing to let you win at some silly argument. and it gives me the privilege to be the winning one, the more pampered one since i am younger- plus i could use some age-related joke casually in a non-offensive way.

being in their shoes, and try to imitate the cant-be-bothered attitude is hard. i have been so used to the situation where i am at the winning end (at some unimportant stuffs). it takes much patience that i apparently dont have-YET. the role is being reversed now, it feels so damn awkward. i feel like being pushed to my nerves all the time, and battling the urge to utter some bitchy comment is very tiring indeed. my lack of skill to sugar coat my comment does not help at all.

i guess, this is a challenge. i have to toughen up, grow up. ignorance is bliss, and to ignore i need a hell lot of strength.

p/s: thanks KakAyu for the nice chat.lega lah sekarang:) i miss u!

You tell me

2010-02-15T18:52:00.002Z

who said 2 heads better than one? well, not always

similarities complicate things, intertwining problems

something else matters more than winning or lose

life is not supposed to be black and white, right or wrong

i wish i cud just filter out things that is not helpful, easily.it seems that i can't

letting go is not the option now, but letting it loose can be

fight shall we?

love is indeed a battlefield, but is this love or just plain battlefield?

Exam anecdotes

2010-01-28T16:01:00.005Z

i never paid attention to past year paper, i only take a glance to know what type of question they ask then continue with revising. did not notice that the paper has uncanny resemblance with the real paper until after the exam. FML
i didnt know the alarm clock set on mobile phone can still go off even though the phone itself is switched off. mine goes off when the exam is going, and i frantically get my phone to turn the alarm off without being noticed by the invigilator or else... close.
after a night without sleep, i planned to have a 2 hrs nap from 9 to 11 am. set my alarm at 11, then went to sleep. only woke up at 1.15 pm when i hv exam at 2. while rushing, i wonder why i didnt hear the alarm. i set it at 11pm instead.lol
my flatmate rushed to the exam venue on bus (15mnts on bus) this morning, arrived on the venue promptly, and found out his seat belongs to someone else. alter talking to invigilator to solve the problem, he was told he was one day early. his exam paper is tomorrow. FHL lol
i planned to do a fair a bit of revision during weekend while still catching adequate sleep. set my alarm every morning at certain time to wake up and revise, always overslept. i figure out later that my alarm is set not to go off on weekends.
there is a small difference in terms of name of chemical substance. i wrote aluminium sulphate instead of aluminium phosphate for one question. only figured out later that i was confused since the name is really close. FML

I smell victory, small one, victory nevertheless

2010-01-14T18:40:00.003Z

the feeling of succeeding in something is uplifting. after a while not experience any kind of success, this is rather refreshing. mind you, since years ago, i see myself more as a loser rather than a winner. comparative success was never in my book, i compare my performance with my own benchmark to succeed.

snow quitted. oh thats a blessing. forgone the time when i was anticipating for the white flakes to scatter the icy petals, this is too much this time around. how ungrateful, but arent we all craving for something we do not have?

exams in 1 week babeyh! and this victory is a good sign, i hope. Pharmaceutical Analysis, get ready ;)

p/s: my neighbour is mending the flat, hammer-knocking and drilling sound become my lullaby. i knocked the dividing wall when i heard the noise this morning, as if they could hear me. if they did, they should be aware that they have a grumpy neighbour nearby.beware!

Prap!

2010-01-08T18:45:00.002Z

wrong time to be broke. cold. revision period. when its cold body needs more food to produce more heat to keep warm. and studying is pretty damn tiring too, to the brain, and brain needs energy too.

*sigh*

2 more weeks to go.

Abah

2010-01-07T02:16:00.003Z

when it first stroke us that things would change, he was the one who was worried most. he was worried about me more than anything else. he was worried that it would affect me, my emtion, my study.

i was lying down before sleep, next to him when i was out of spontaneity put my right arm on my forehead as if i was thinking and worried about something. he noticed, and quickly ask me what was wrong, and told me not to worry about what will happen. tears just flowed from his eyes. and i still remember that moment till today. i learnt that i should never make him worried about anything after that..

i love you Abah...

Outcast

2010-01-06T18:32:00.002Z

we became outcast, by our choice, not by theirs.

it is good to be outside the news and stories bubble, where everyone knows exactly what other people are doing.

i prefer selective publicity which i can determine what i want people to know, what i dont.

it works better to have such control.

nevertheless, we cant control what people talk about us, good or bad.

and i cant be really bothered anyhow.

for i who know all the truth...

Self- control

2010-01-05T13:48:00.003Z

temptation is everywhere. we see good things that are far away, and neglect those close to us. kuman di seberang nampak. gajah kat depan?

we see things, desire those which are not ours. those that we know we have to work to get it. struggle gives more feeling of appreciation. the adrenaline rush.

grass are always greener on the other side of fence. apparently, not absolutely. well, this grass on my side needs some water, and fertilizer, and i wont care about the garden on the other side of fence.

maybe a visit to garden next door sometime wont hurt? self-control, self-control...

Too involved

2010-01-04T21:35:00.002Z

since i was told that i was a bit too involved in a friendship which will not go to a relationship, i have been always self-conscious. i try to be as casual as possible, but i always have a little bit or paranoia that i am giving the impression that i still want to have more than a friendship with this person. and every time i was treated not so well, i blame myself for being 'too involved', too flirty and etc.

that allows him to be a jerk sometime. and i dont blame him for that. i rather blame myself, and just smile and withdraw and become more careful the next time. i have no control whatsoever (not that i want to control something) but i just become powerless. if a meet is wanted, i just said yes. i just follow.

so, ignore i must do. being nice has some boundaries too, it has been reached. friends we are, as what we have agreed. it is still nice to know u personally.

Days, weeks, months...

2010-01-04T14:28:00.003Z

good things dont have to begin on the first day of new year, new month, or new week. it adds some significance if it does, but it also add some extra burden since the change is too abrupt.

just when i thought my new year has been all terrible. flu, cold, sore throat, gum sweeling. lose weight. exam around the corner. sum it all up, nothing good come out from it. no bad luck there. jus wrong thing happen at the wrong time.

but look what happens now. i cudnt ask for anything more for 2010. i'll have what i feel i wanted for these 3 weeks, and i get it. the feeling is mutual, so lets start a new level. who knows it can happen this fast, i didnt expect it to be this fast. but we could not help it can we?

may this brings days, weeks, months, even years of happiness for us. thanx for being there...for us

Bad timing

2009-12-31T11:29:00.002Z

this is like a really bad timing for bad things to come at the same time. i've been sick for a week, but now recovering. i've lost few kilos since then, and no chance am gaining weight in a week or two. since i was sick, i could not study at all. i was just sleeping, and lying on bed.

i might have impacted wisdom tooth now as well. i can feel a bit of swelling on my left jaw. i might need to get it removed, or remove the first molar tooth since the wisdom tooth is halfway appear (hence i dont know why i only feels the pain now. is this normal Zamri? Amir Hazwan?) i never get registered for dentist under NHS, so i'll have to find one nearest to my place. i could imagine, if i have the extraction, i'd to be on painkillers for at least few days, and that will take few more days for revision. i have exam in less than 3 weeks for God's sake!

I just about to feel how it feels to have someone who likes u, while u likes that person too. i am a paranoid with this relationship stuff. i expected something before, and what i got is an exit door- for getting too involved. so, am holding myself, keeping the expectation away, at least for a while.

I always tell myself, see all the bad things that come as few separate events no matter how close those events happen next to each other. they are just coincidental. no such thing as bad luck. but see good things that come together as a group, a cluster of good things, call it good luck. never be too happy or excited about it for it is only temporary. Happy New Year 2010. Happy New Decade 10-19.

Age?

2009-12-29T02:08:00.003Z

i sometime still get ID-ed by you-know-who. do i still look like a teenager, a proper under 18?oh God bless u!

Apparently i dont bring my passport around so i would say,: i'm 22.

when is your birthday?

xx xx 1987.

say it as quickyly as you can and keep the eye contact.they'd trust you. plus i was not even lying about my age. no problem there. they know u lied when u answer the question slowly, as if you are counting what year you should be born if u were 22. just busted.

i use the same trick on someone who i doubt their age, since they look older than their proclaimed age (no, i am not agist). if you were just trying to change the topic, and took a while to answer the question, then u are just plain busted! and dont be bitter if u get caught up. u suppose to have mastered this long ago *grin*

Oh ni ke Bash?

2009-12-29T01:40:00.002Z

i dont know what i have done to deserve that, but i do get that quite often. i thought i stayed in the background as long as i can remember. i dont go socialising with all the Malaysian- like playing badminton or football and those stuff. u would see me in those makan-makan events, but thats it really.

It is nothing to be proud or anything, i even dont really like it.

So when i was walking with Dan yesterday, when i saw a group of Malaysian looking guys standing at the roadside, i loosened up the grip on Dan's hand and walk past them.I've never seen them before. Oh i dont know them, so they dont know me.

F*ck it, i grab Dan's hand and continue to walk as if i could not be bothered at all.

If i happened to be known for good reason, that is a relief. I dont want to get famous for wrong reason u know.

Being Iban

2009-12-29T01:31:00.003Z

i was asked to pretend that i am Iban by my housemate in front of his friend for certain reason. i was like haa? ok, i try, i know i am not a good liar. i cant lie at all.

then one of them asked me, Bash, where are u from eh?

oh hmmm. Sarawak.

Oh u Iban kan?

Aah.(kacang cover up)

Knape u xde accent Iban ke sikit?I have a friend who is Iban, he does sound Iban-ese when he speak.

Oh, i've been staying in Semenanjung for quite long.(still safe)

Oh really. SO what is your full name eh?

(thinking furiously) hmm, its ok. my name is a bit too long. (busted look) *grin*

and there goes my career in acting. i told you, i am not a good liar or actor. sigh.

Silver?Cloud?Lining?

2009-12-28T18:04:00.003Z

who knows one old method to reduce hot fever is still working pretty damn well. i was so sick of being sick (no pun intended) until i resorted to use a damp towel, leave it on my forehead while i fell asleep. it surely worked (plus the medicine i took earlier- i still believe in medicine u know). i was sweating like a pig in my half-sleep, and the feeling was pure bliss. seriously. i have always been told that when you sweat, its the sign that u are recovering from fever (kebah). while waking up to re-wet the towel few more times, i can see spot of sweat from my back on the mattress, and i didnt care at all!

i notice am losing some of my weight since i fell sick a week ago, but i can gain weight anytime. i am not that vain anymore- at least for the time being. and my face is not that chubby too. so thats a good news. every cloud has a silver lining innit?

:(

2009-12-27T22:35:00.003Z

This is bad, i have not recovered yet from cold/fever since last Tuesday. This is quite a long period to get sick. i was feeling alright yesterday, and then i went to jacuzzi (warm) and swimming pool (cold) and the temperature shock might have taken its toll on me.

feeling better after that after some physical activities, i was even slightly sweaty which is a good sign or recovering. then i went out, wearing shoes with no socks on. walking in the cold weather for quite a while, i was shivering when i got home. my body was so warm, i felt so sick.

i need to get better by New Years Eve, otherwise i would not be having fun on that night:(

Phat Phace

2009-12-26T01:37:00.005Z

urgh, i hate my fat face. the weight gained seems to go to the cheeks :(

so, the resolutions for the new year would be to reduce the chubbiness of my cheeks. few plans arranged, but am keeping the secret first. i hope it would work.

for the first time ever, i am not excited about shopping. seriously seriously weird. what has got into me? ok, fine. i dont have money to spend anyway, but if i do, i wud end up buying something i dont even need or want. seem to have enough jacket for winter, plus i expect the coldest phase of winter is over now, so no thicker winter jacket required.

shoes. enough. skinny jeans. enough. tees. anytime can buy one. it wont be that pricey even on normal price.topman has sale all time. bag. Gosh i need bag really! ok calm down, you dont have money remember? stop dreaming. oh that Paul Smith messenger bag. shut up, stop dreaming!

fine fine.so yeah. it must be a change. am thinking about saving some money for travel next year. mybe sometime during summer. still considering some interesting option, but i'm afraid it would be too expensive. we'll see how, but will have to travel somewhere anyway.Thai Airways or Singapore Airline? which one u think is cheaper?

Would have to go down to London the first week on February. i've been postponing the trip since forever. Iman, wait for me there. Ash too! ;)

tmrw, shud start doing revision. oh i love the idea of seeing myself doing some revision while everyone else is busy doing shopping. yes, i am kiasu like that. i used to do revision while my mates went to have evening physical activities. i'll just play when they studied during night prep class. they were wondering how i cud still score in exam- that was my secret *grin*

Desire

2009-12-25T15:34:00.002Z

wants, needs, desires. all the thing in the world that we are craving about.

contented, fulfilled, satisfied. how good can that be?

desires give drive and hope.

expectation and chances.

adventures and challenges.

feeling already satisfied, there is something not right.

fly, run, there's a whole big world out there.

go!

Snow & sick

2009-12-23T17:15:00.002Z

i thought i love snow, no matter how cold it is, no matter how gloomy it is. i change my mind. i was never really get cold in the winter- sore throat, fever,blocked nose. i get this time. man oh man, this doesnt feel good at all i tell u.

i cant sleep properly, all the chaotic dreams keep coming, and it was tiring to be in those kind of dreams. i woke up feeling so tired and helpless, my body was aching, and still is.

No, i am not complaining, am i not? it's just sometime, sick people can say things they never say when they are well. and they expect other people to have some empathy towards them. i am one of them!

;)

2009-12-21T19:37:00.003Z

it's been snowing so heavily for past few days, especially over the weekend. it was such a beautiful view to wake up in the morning, facing the window and see the ground covered in white snowflakes. it adds some more extra beautiful feeling when u are lying on bed, warm, and not alone;)

what a weekend it was. some said do not have something you like too often, u'll get bored. then it wont amuse u as much as it did.

instead, after a while, i wanted it even more. the company. yeah, absence makes the heart grow fonder? sigh. overly melodramatic there, excuse me.

ok, stop babbling, i should really back to some serious revision, been far far away on la la land for few days. welcome back to earth ;)

Panic attack

2009-12-10T00:34:00.002Z

arghhhh!! i have this panic attack. its almost the end of the semester, and i know i am not that much prepared for the exam. not a lot that have been taught this semester, but i dont get everything covered yet. so, freaking out is the option i have now.

when i freak out, i tend to take some time away from it, and this cant be the most useful method since i have limited time to solve it. ah depression! i know there are other people who are not prepared as well, but i cant be one of them. selfish bitch, i know i am! kiasu. call me them all, i dont care anymore.

i am so not going anywhere during xmas, let's just hibernate and freeze and unify with notes and books at home. that might help. gosh, i am so panic!!!

Time flies...

2009-11-30T09:47:00.002Z

Time flies so fast eh?
its already week10/12 of this semester, and i havent start that much of revision yet. i gotta start soon or else i wouldnt have much time to prepare.

i guess i work better alone, or work around better people, in terms of their work ethics and motivation. i am kinda a person who can easily motivated, and demotivated as well. so, i was self-motivated earlier this semester, and then when i get to know people, putting my study a bit to the side, and here i am, abandoning my study. but, the knowing-people part hasnt been bad after all, at least i can say i have 'life' to some extent. life or not, my life for this few weeks should be revolving around books, notes, lectures.

things havent gotten worse i suppose. i am now becoming more comfortable accommodating this place, we are done with decorating and out flat looks like a proper bachelor pad.getting used to the gym and swimming that we have, and getting more accustomed to the routine. who knows the pool can be a place more than for swimming? rendezvous perhaps?

So much

2009-11-11T21:10:00.003Z

i spent so much time trying to do something which i never did.
i spent so much time trying to be someone who i never was.
i spent so much time trying to have something that i never had.
i spent so much time trying to despise the person who i really am.
i spent so much time trying to do things that i believe i had missed.

at the end of the day,
i waste too much time on that,
when i am supposed to be who i am,
do what i am supposed to do,
and love what i already have,
and realised i have missed nothing at all,
except the my own self

fulfilled.literally

2009-11-10T22:39:00.002Z

fulfillment and satisfaction. pain and sore. sweat and blood. huff and puff.

nothing to complain now. nothing to expect. nothing to hope.

free as a bird, i finally have a clear mind.

no more suspicion, no more u-so-not-going-to-get-into-my-pants arrogance.

and this feels good afterall.

lets have some other fun instead.

life's a celebration!

Blabbing bla bla

2009-11-06T13:04:00.003Z

so much my passion for blogging, now i'm hardly write anything. most of my time is not-so-well spent on doing nothing too productive when i am supposed to spend the reading week doing revision on few subject of my course.

past weeks has been not that busy. encounter few situation which i believe something to learn about. some misunderstanding and different way of working ethics, miscommunication can lead to some bitter relationship.As much i respect each others personal way of doing things, some compromise from both parties is always welcomed. Having said that, there is no point fretting and blaming people for what people cant do, instead, just forget and forgive. it was not a big thing just to do few extra works, it finished on the spot.

some people works better as an employee than being an employer. some people better off alone than working in a group. that is just diversity, and not everyone can be in the mould one wants to be. deal with it accordingly, some jobs suitable for certain group, some others for another group. so no harm having different types of people in one team, ones imperfection can be dealt by someone else's strength.

i need some time to find my mojo back in writing, but till then, bear with the nonsense i will write=P

Pharmacy kicks a**

2009-10-24T14:03:00.002+01:00

its been few weeks in the new term, new yr of study, and it has been quite a bittersweet journey. despite having not much problem getting into the brainy mode, adapting to the new people in the new course is difficult.

ok, i am very clumsy when it comes to socialising. getting back to the personal tutor, but different members was kinda weird. i cant even remember their names and faces. the only one i cud remember is Richard, the only other guy in the group. the other girls have been so friendly, even waving and smile during lectures. the other day, one of them waving from another end of the lecture hall and smile. i didnt know what to do, not knowing who was she waving to. i just gave an awkward smile, and wave a-la-penguin. how awkward.

study and lectures has been pretty good- some are getting more confusing and mind-boggling, but still manageable. early revision is what i need right now.

i've been eating more instant noodle in these 2 weeks that i ever did in the entire yr. i am not a big fan of instant noodle, and hardly eat once a week before. now it has become the staple food due to economic crisis.*sigh

apart from that, life's been great. cant be thankful enough.

Over-compartmentalisation

2009-10-21T12:57:00.002+01:00

living in a few invisible compartments suppose to make things easier and simple. i've been doing compartmentalisation for too long that when it break, i dont really know where to go. it is like like living in a bubble and when the bubble burst, you just flow to random directions and lose in the chaotic waves.

live in the thought of being invincible left things went so worryingly out of control. i dont know where to depend upon for some support, since all the possible support system has been neglected when i was in the bubble. *sigh.

now feeling mortal as ever, i desperately looking for humanly touch and communication. this is a wake up call indeed...

Of being personal

2009-10-16T17:41:00.002+01:00

i am a very personal person- though sometime i do not come across as one. i believe there is some part of you that should not be disclosed to just anyone, but only to few special someone in your life. to gain that access, it is not easy, but who cares.

call me stingy, or secretive, but i am not that kind of person who is willing to share everything, be it the good news or even bad ones, personal belongings or something else. and that would include personal space. i enjoy having my own personal space, which would be the house, the bedroom- a place i can call home. the place where i can be who i am. the place where i can be honest and not being pretentious and holding back to myself.

i am learning things, trying to be more open and less personal, but at the pace that i can cope with. sometime when things gone way too fast, and you cant brake, things went to the wrong direction and crash. that is what has happened.

i am not proud of it. not. i regretted it one hour after what happened. it was the wrong thing happen at the wrong time. that it is. as much as i love my personal space being uninterrupted, i am willing to compromise. so now, can we talk?

Little bit of everything

2009-10-13T12:21:00.003+01:00

this was supposed to be the time, the place that i've been waiting for since last year, but things dont feel that way yet. whenever i am out of this, i am not looking forward to be back- which is a bit odd considering i was so excited to be here.

the new term seems to be fine, tho things are becoming harder, especially those physics-related module. it is only week 3 for God sake! looks like someone need to stay more with the books than the TV or virtual chatting.

i never know my weakness is saying no until recently. i guess, i need to strengthen a bit, and just say no whenever i dont agree with anything. things feel a bit uptight this few days, and i cant point out what is the exact reason. could it be the resentment, or it is just the feeling of insecurity for the lack of financial stability that i am facing now.

i just figured out, money plays a big role to elevate my mood. call me materialistic, but there is nothing noble about being poor, just to quote Brian Kinney. hell yeah i agree with that. time please fly fast, cant wait for the end of this month. i am dying to do some retail therapy.

Self-withdrawal

2009-09-17T21:15:00.004+01:00

i found avoiding myself from other people's business keep me in peace. being not so critical left me in bliss. as much as i respect other people opinion, i rather let them do the mistakes with hope that they will find that what they are doing is wrong. and i believe it is not my duty to remind and correct them- since it has to come from within...

sometime i found someone's opinion and perception about something is so ridiculous, it is itching not to go and have a few words with them. i halted myself, and have a second thought, and decided not to, for i afraid my word will not be because of my justification of right and wrong, but rather the emotional attack on the shallowness and lack of common sense of that person. so i keep quiet.

so far, keeping myself true to the main objective when doing something has been good.i see no point of doing something when you have hidden agenda. do it for the sake of doing something good, not for getting the benefit from it. self-benefit is just the by-product of the act, so do not expect any.

voluntary works sometimes took too much time and effort,and when doing it not-so-voluntarily, i rather not doing at all. i dont know how long i can work with a bunch of people who i doubt their working ethics, but when i myself cannot do the work efficiently due to someone else's efficiency, i know it would be the time for me to leave and concentrate on my own stuff.

i'm in peace anyhow.

Setahun

2009-09-01T23:01:00.003+01:00

sudah setahun itu,
kejip-kejip mata hari-hari,
setahun dah pergi

tak ramai yang tahu/tak ramai ingin dibagitahu,
tapi kesudahannya, ramai juga yang menahu,
ah mulut orang biasa lah,
ditegah jangan, bagai disuruh berpesan-pesan
tak, aku tak marah,
kalian cuma ingin bertanya khabaran,
barangkali...

biarlah,
pernah hampir tewas juga,
goyah dek ujian menerpa,
tapi, terima kasih buat beberapa teman,
sayang kalian!

kalau nak difikir hidup sendiri susah,
hidup siapa yang tidak?
difikir hidup sendiri bercabang liku,
hidup siapa lurus berhaluan satu?

bersyukurlah aku setahun ini,
dan setahun mendatang nanti,
bukan jalan luas membentang,
bukan laluan lebar melapang,
dan cubaan tak pernah akan lekang,
goyang kaki bersenang lenang...

Kata sayang

2009-08-30T22:09:00.003+01:00

Sunyi rasa hari-hari tak tengok wajah sayang
tengok sayang sengih-sengih, gelak- gelak
saya buat muka, awak pon buat sama,
tiru, mana boleh!
xpe, awak kata.
mana ada hakcipta terpelihara.

manis ye kata-kata sayang,
puji sahaja memanjang,
saya kata, kang kembang x kuncup2 kang,
sape yang susah.
awak kata xpe,tetap juga disayang.
cececey, memuji ke keje,
mesti la, kata sayang kan?

*cair*

sayang,
kuatkan diri ya, saya tahu awak kuat
rindu awak!
cecey, jiwang kat blog pulak,
biar la, kata sayang kan?!

F*ck it, this street isn't safe!

2009-08-30T12:04:00.002+01:00

i was awake last nite, around 2 am in the morning. mouth munching the remaining krispy kreme donuts that i greedily bought earlier.

i heard some noice, more like a thump on a hard surface. being as curious as always, i peek through the window, and lift up the curtain to see what was going on.

then this one guy ran away from a car parked opposite our house. i bet he was breaking the car window to steal the stereo.( the street criminal here isnt that smart apparently, they dont steal your car- or was the car not worth stealing anyway?it was only an old VW tiny car, probably an old model of POLO.lol)

i was just smiling. he should not be bothered running away. i could not see him, even if i do, i would not be brave enough to go out and beat him up. haha

2 hours later, heard the noise of people walking towards our house. then "f*ck! f*ck! what happened to our car?". you should have known, this street aint that safe honey.

So much for no expectation

2009-08-29T23:09:00.003+01:00

sigh.
this feeling is not good. i am missing someone, yet too afraid to admit it. hope you are holding on right there. be good and be strong. my prayer will be with u.

had a dinner with a friend. it was another one about 9 months ago, totally different one. it used to be a date that got nowhere. this time, i insist it is nothing more than a meet, not a date. too bad, the no expectation part sucks. ends up it was something like few months back, but even more awkward.sigh.

i guess, the fact that i am missing someone else make my mind goes a bit crazy. i need hugs!!

Live life

2009-08-27T23:13:00.004+01:00

when you think your life sucks,
there are those who are counting days, weeks and months,
for they have been given the 'time left' to live...

imagine you were in their shoes,
will you just cry and mourn,
waiting for the final day to come,
for the death to invite you to the afterlife?

or will you simply cherish every moment,
every second, minutes and hours,
days, weeks and months,
with all joy life could offer...

live life to the fullest,
see it with different eyes,
for the happiness and joy,
there to dwell in...